In many Asian countries, including Indonesia, we grow up in a culture that highly values politeness, humility, and self-awareness. These values certainly have positive aspects, shaping a society of mutual respect. However, on the flip side, this culture also gives rise to a seldom-discussed phenomenon: social anxiety wrapped in hesitation and discomfort.
Unfortunately, within this cultural context, feelings of anxiety during social interactions—be it fear of public speaking, pressure when refusing requests, or fear of expressing opinions—are often seen as normal. Even more, they are regarded as noble forms of politeness.
Yet, what we call 'sungkan' may actually be unprocessed psychological wounds masked behind cultural etiquette.
Between Self-Awareness and Fear of Speaking Up
From childhood, we are taught to "remain silent when elders speak," "never challenge teachers," "don't ask too many questions," "don't be selfish," and "avoid embarrassing the family." Despite their good intentions, these messages gradually cultivate a mindset of submissiveness without voice. Many of us grow up feeling unworthy of speaking, afraid of making mistakes, and hesitant to express ourselves.
As we enter the workplace or broader social environments, this pattern persists. We find it difficult to say no, struggle to express our feelings, and even saying "I object" feels like a wrongdoing. We restrain ourselves not out of strength, but from fear of being perceived as impolite.
This is the root of social anxiety hidden beneath the 'sungkan' culture.
When Anxiety Is Mistaken for Good Character
Social anxiety is often normalized within our culture. Someone nervous during meetings is seen as humble. A person hesitant to confront friends is viewed as someone who avoids conflict. Yet, these could actually be manifestations of persistent discomfort rather than virtues.
The culture of "don't trouble others" exacerbates the situation. A student experiencing panic attacks before a presentation forces themselves through it to avoid disappointing their professor. An employee wishing to take leave due to burnout feels guilty, perceived as lacking resilience. These feelings are suppressed, internalized, and labeled as maturity.
We begin to lose sight of what is true politeness and what is merely silent pain.
Discomfort Is Not Always a Sign of Kindness
One common expression of social anxiety in Asian cultures is "tidak enakan," loosely meaning "feeling uncomfortable to say no." This phrase sounds light, even familiar. But for some, it's not just a simple feeling—it's a source of chronic, exhausting anxiety.
Imagine having to agree to every invitation, accept every extra responsibility, or hold back from saying no simply to avoid disappointment. This is not empathy; it represents a loss of personal boundaries.
Those who frequently experience "tidak enakan" may face emotional burnout, loss of direction, and a feeling of losing control over their own lives. Ironically, these individuals are often praised as kind-hearted, always agreeable, and dependable, while inside they are overwhelmed by panic and exhaustion.
Wounds That Are Not Seen as Wounds
Because social anxiety is cloaked as politeness, many people do not realize they are hurting. There may be no visible signs such as bleeding or tears. Instead, there are racing hearts when wanting to speak, sweaty hands in crowds, or self-criticism after a routine social interaction.
Worse yet, when someone tries to seek help or share their feelings, typical responses include:
"You're too sensitive."
"It's normal; everyone experiences this."
"You need to toughen up."
In other words, their anxiety is dismissed, even by family and close friends.
Time to Distinguish Between Politeness and Suffering
We do not need to discard the culture of politeness we have inherited. Rather, we must carve out new space within that culture: a space to recognize and acknowledge those struggling to speak—not out of rudeness but because of anxiety.
We need to learn that saying no is not selfish. Expressing opinions is not lacking in self-awareness. Asking for help is not weakness.
Most importantly, we must realize social anxiety is real—not just a shy character trait that can be fixed by simply telling someone to be more confident.
Conclusion
Mental health and culture do not have to be at odds. On the contrary, we can redefine politeness as respecting others without sacrificing oneself.
Perhaps it is time to teach future generations that speaking honestly is courageous, that self-care is a form of respect, and that not all silence signifies compliance. Sometimes, it is the silent cry that goes unheard.
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